I’ve never been the most maternal person in the world but one day it became something i longed for. It’s always assumed that once you buy a house and get married, kids should follow swiftly after. This is great in an ideal world (not that i’m complaining about the “doing” side of it, after all practice makes perfect)or slushy movie. But life isn’t that simple and we don’t always get the happily ever after.
I definitely hoped that once i was married, children would be the next step. However my husband wasn’t so eager to start a family. Although it did upset me that it wasn’t going to happen overnight i hoped with persistence he would at least consider it. Once i have an idea in my head, ridiculous and usually unobtainable, i want the result now now now. Whereas my husband thinks about the serious boring side of things like stability. We were renting when we got married and it would be another two years before we became home owners.
As soon as we got the keys i made it my mission to convince him his life wouldn’t change if we had a baby, yea I know big ask, as clearly you and I both know it would fundamentally alter. Unfortunately im obviously not as persuasive as id thought, especially as I’d previously managed to wangle a honeymoon to Thailand out of him whilst he was trying to digest a Phal curry. But that’s an altogether whole other story. Our house was a bit of a doer upper (and still is a work in progress) and we had no heating at all. I actually got used to the sight of my own breathe and guests keeping their coats on when they visited, but it wasnt the best environment for a new born.
This ultimately became the wedge between having a baby and not. I knew that it might not happen straight away, that’s without taking into consideration the other nine months, but i at least wanted that glimmer of hope. See, plenty of time to save and install central heating right? Nope still not budging on the idea, stubborn ass that he was.
I left it a little while before mentioning it again but i could feel myself getting annoyed at the smallest things. I resented him for not only feeling differently but for having the control. I’m not the kind of girl to get pregnant “by accident” but it did cross my mind. I thought he was selfish and unreasonable. Well he is a man after all. But i was the one being selfish for not considering that having a baby is a bloody big deal. It changes everything. You spend your whole relationship flying through life without a care in the world. We used to mock people who had children. We could get in the car and be at the supermarket without any fuss. We didnt need that estate car for the millions of supplies ‘you must have on you at all times’ or risk facing an almighty meltdown, adults included.
The thought of sharing a room or aeroplane (god forbid) with a screaming banshee would send shivers down my spine. I would be muttering all sorts of profanities under my breath whilst smiling and telling them how cute they were.
I know having a baby wasn’t going to be plain sailing and it would have many peaks and troughs but i knew as soon as our bundle of joy came into this world none of that stuff would matter. I think it got to the point where my husband knew it was making me unhappy. He kept giving me all these household deadlines that we needed to meet before he would agree. Like most men, he had to figure it out for himself by suggesting the ‘deadlines’ rather than be pushed in to it with my constant whining.
Im not sure how, but one day by the grace of god, and an overseas telephone call in Lidl, he flippin well agreed! I was all but jumping for joy in the midst of picking out my weekly veg. I literally could not believe it. Two years it took, but it was time well spent. My face probably resembled that of a bewildered Cheshire cat by this point. I was so elated that the other people in the shop must have thought i was off my tits, or the mini fist pump might have swung it.
And so the journey begun. I didn’t get blown down by the fertility fairy, and it would be another year before i finally got pregnant, but low and behold out popped Ernest.