I remember it like it was yesterday. I was actually pregnant! I honestly didnt think that when i took the test it would have a positive result. After begging and pleading for my husband to even agree to have a baby (full story here), it seemed like it would never happen. I had been on the pill for so long that i knew my body would need to adjust. You hear of all these people who only need the flick of a penis inside them and they are pregnant with twins. I never had the most regular periods, which to some is a godsend, but when you want a baby its a pain in the ass.
As soon as I got the green light, well I did what any self respecting girl would do and downloaded a period/ovulation app, yes i was one of those girls! I would track my period (when i had one) and it would give you an estimated timeframe for ovulation. Looking back it was a complete load of bull but i would have tried just about anything. Netmum’s became my new best friend. It was like the Wiki for anything pregnancy related. I would go to bed and do the usual late night phone scroll, mind filled with questions, in the hope that they would solve all my problems. I thought by reading a million different peoples stories i would know exactly what i needed to do.
Now one of the problems i faced was my husband worked away ALOT so he wasnt here to fulfil his husbandly role. I know what you’re all thinking, im talking like he was a walking sperm bank. So firstly i just want to clarify that i love my husband wholeheartedly. At the time i couldnt care less about the pleasure aspect, as awful as it sounds, i was only interested in his swimmers.
I went to the doctors to discuss my options and they suggested that i start having blood tests to track whether you have ovulated by a spike in your LH levels. I had to go back every week for blood tests just to be told there was no change. It gets so disheartening, especially when everyone around you is having babies. When one of my best friends told me she was pregnant, i was gutted. By this point we were almost 8 months in with no joy. It was only a month later, before another of my best firends was also pregnant. She was just heading out the door to an appointment, whilst i watched her kids, when she dropped the almighty bombshell. She said it so fast before she walked out the door that i didnt have a chance to really react initially. I just stood there and thought, not again?
I stayed in the kitchen for a moment digesting it whilst my heart was pounding out my chest. I walked outside and I reckon i chain smoked about 5 cigarettes in the space of ten minutes. Me and the now “two” pregnants were due to have dinner together that night. When my other friend turned up, she knew something was up. It probably didnt help that i was crying (which i never do unless im watching something sad), and i was frantically chewing on a Curly Wurly looking into space. She asked me what was wrong and i just looked at her, she knew already. Still frantically chewing the Curly Wurly, now face covered in snot and building up what can only be described as a large ball of caramel and chocolate saliva in my mouth, I explained that i felt like a dagger had been put through my heart. It’s not easy when you know that for the foreseeable future you will be witness to all the exciting and not so exciting aspects of pregnancy, but it wouldnt be you thats experiencing it.
Don’t get me wrong i was over the moon for both of them, that’s without question. It just got to the point when we would see each other, that week in week out it would be baby talk. They couldnt help it as they were excited but i had to just grin and bare it, like any friend would do. We always said that we would love to have babies at the same time. I think all best friends make this statement at some point in their teenage years and i never thought in a million years it would actually happen. I mean what are the odds really? For all three of us to be pregnant at the same time, nah not a chance!
I’m fully aware that people will go years without any positive results. They will try and try and without any rhyme or reason it just doesnt happen. In the grand old scheme of things it hadnt been that long and they say on average it takes about 12 months to concieve. I was just worried that it would take twice as long due to my husband working away for over 6 months of the year, not to mention my ovulation issue. In that moment, it felt like forever to me and it seemed like it was happening far quicker for others. Unfortunately you become bitter with it.
The final nail in the coffin was when my sister in law told me she too was pregnant! Are you for real? Another one? Did i have a defunct fanny?
I was in work when she told me and i just broke down. I couldnt control my emotions. I reacted worst that when i watched The Notebook for the first time. I am definately an all or nothing kind of girl when it comes to crying and when i cry, i cry. My eyes go puffy and i cant breath due to my airways being so blocked. I am the first one to admit it. I am an ugly crier.
Was it ever going to happen for me?