The Ugly Truth Of Pregnancy

The angry man aspect of pregnancy was most definitely not a highlight in my journey to motherhood but it was also not the worst. So lets start with:

Stretch Marks

Stretch marks are what most people fear when they get pregnant. Its certainly a game changer and its surprising how obsessed people get about it. You’ve got the ones who lube themselves up like a slippery stripper every night and still get them or the ones who are blessed with the skin of Stretch Armstrong. I did use a few products to begin with but i thought to myself, if im gonna get them i’m gonna get them. I already had a load from a fast growing pubescent age so i thought i was a shoe in for them regardless.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post (The Second Trimester – The Rage Stage) of my fear of piling on the pounds and having tits the size of watermelons but actually it was quite the opposite. I didn’t even look pregnant. I guess i didn’t show until about 5 to 6 months and even then it was just a little bump. I had one stretch mark on my tummy. It was like my very own Harry Potter marking and weirdly it showed up pretty much as soon as i got pregnant. I could deal with that. Who needs all these lotions and potions i was doing ok going cold turkey or so i thought.

But little did i know that in the last few weeks of pregnancy those dreaded red snakes would start creeping up my tummy. It’s not as if i get my stomach out to anyone other than my husband (im 100% all over the swimsuit) but i guess i just wanted this perfect pretty stretch mark free belly, but actually when it comes down to it, i really didn’t care.


I love how, as soon as you mention you have heart burn, your kid will DEFINITELY and i mean DEFINITELY have hair. This is what i got told over and over again. I honestly thought it was a crock of shit. I never listen to old wives tails but low and behold, he had hair. I am as blonde as they come and my husband is 100% of the carrot top variety. Could you imagine us having a baby with hair? As the title of my blog suggests i did dream of ginger. I longed for a ginger haired boy. I never thought it would actually come true. Is there anyone out there who had heartburn but didn’t have a hairy baby? I’m yet to find them.

My husband was so dead against knowing the sex before hand and it absolutely killed me. I hate surprises. I need to know everything now and i will stop at nothing to find out. However this was one thing i really tried to keep a secret. I did have a little five second bit of hope at one point when the lady asked if we wanted to know the sex at the 20 week scan. Oh, oh, oh, could he be changing his mind, oh, come one, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1………..and then my husband so kindly answered with a no.

That five seconds could have been five hours, well it felt like it. I really thought he would crumble but the bugger wouldn’t budge. I was convinced that i saw a little penis on the screen, you know, after doing the old gender signs on google. Where would we be without google huh!? Not knowing was the only thing my husband really wanted control over, because i was choosing the name. If id left it up to him it would have been a disaster. He did name our girl cat Alan after all. Although most of my name inspo came from grave stones. I do love an oldie and although very morbid, its the best place for more unusual less common names. Hence, Ernest.

Right anyway less death talk, well actually it’s not far from deathly but heartburn hits you at all times of the day. It lingers like a bad smell. Even if i didn’t eat i had heartburn. There is little relief for it too. Thanks pregnancy. Gaviscon is the devil, period. We are in the 21st century, surely they must be able to come up with something better than drinking chalk? Everything about it is all kinds of wrong. I don’t think i went a few days without getting a bout but i refused to drink that muck. Thankfully i haven’t suffered with it since. I don’t think I’ve seen the last of it though. Cue next pregnancy.


Now you read moaning and think i’m referring to the whiny variety but when i started to show more and i actually had a sizable bump i began making these odd noises. It would either be when i was just drifting off or in full blown sleep. My husband actually slept downstairs a few times because it drove him crackers. Apparently the bigger you get the more compressed your breathing is, so it can let out little noises. It was like little moans and i was so aware of it. I constantly sounded aroused.

Obviously with pregnancy you get so exhausted, falling asleep all the time becomes so normal. You literally become narcoleptic. One minute i would be lying on the sofa “resting” my eyes as you do and then the next i would be dribbling and letting out these moans. I literally couldn’t control it. It was like i was possessed and it was pushing itself out of me. I even made a little body jolt when it came up. No matter how hard i tried not to, it still happened.

It’s funny really because Ernest does the same thing when he’s falling asleep. I know as soon as i hear those noises hes about to drift off. It must be a coincidence? But it does make us chuckle.

Odour Eater

Now i would say this next issue is probably by far the most unusual one. It’s certainly not something i would welcome with open arms again. If you have read my About ( If not, link here) section you will know that i am not the greatest fan of fish. I’m one of those people who say they don’t eat fish but ill go to the chip shop and get it battered. If you asked me to eat salmon or tuna then i would vomit. I think fish in a can is odd. That’s like chicken supreme or a full english in a can. I just don’t get it. Ok so i haven’t outwardly said what the issue is yet but i’m sure you know where this is going.

I first discovered the problem (although i didn’t know it at the time) when i was in a packed car full of friends on the way back from a play. The overwhelming smell of fish engulfed the car. The play had been open air so the smell wasn’t obvious at this point. We could all smell it but we didn’t know the source. What i hadn’t realised at the time was the smell was coming from me. Fish! FISH! So no morning sickness or cravings, but i get weird noises and the smell of fish!? Yea thanks for that! My worst nightmare was unfolding right before my very eyes.

As my husband was away alot it was far easier to head to Mcdonalds or the chippy (or a dirty kebab infrequently) than to cook for myself. Every time i ate fish, for the next two days i would smell of it. You know those embarrassing body programmes on the TV, i remember seeing someone with a problem called Fish Odour Syndrome thinking it would be my absolute nightmare. It didn’t click to me straight away that it was eating fish that was causing it, it would take time to figure that one out. The worst thing is, it wasn’t coming out of my skin, oh no, it was solely focused on my nether regions. Oh come on! Really? Did i do something awful in a past life? I would literally shower three times a day but it would make no difference. This would last for a solid two days.

I just thought it was some body imbalance like BV but then it clicked. I knew there was a reason why i hated fish. Since my disturbing discovery i haven’t eaten one morsel of fish in fear it will happen again. I know im not pregnant anymore but im not willing to take the risk. I actually really crave fish now because i refuse to eat it. I would have to hibernate for a couple of days just so i could enjoy a nice portion of battered cod. So i think i’ll stick to the humble sausage thanks.

You are probably wondering why i am divulging such a thing. I should seriously keep stuff to myself but wheres the fun in that. I have no filter. I find it comical that nothing is straightforward for me so i like to share in it. You never know, there may be others out there who have experienced a similar thing but have been too afraid to say or like me, didn’t realise. The body is certainly a fascinating thing and it surprises me daily.

I just wish it would learn how to let me eat what i want and be a size 8. Unfortunately its yet to discover this.





4 Comments Add yours

  1. Kabbalinafoxtrotter says:

    Omg you told the fish story haha!!!


    1. Of course I did. Ito a warts and all blog. Fish included 😉 x


  2. You are hilarious. I’m in the doctors surgery literally wetting myself. I’ve had heartburn every day since about 14 weeks – I was a bald kid until I was about 3 and Rich is very fair, so I wonder if I’ll be the first pregnant lady to suffer with heartburn and have a bald kid. Either that or with how I’ve been going along, it’s going to be born with a full lions mane of hair. Keep up the posts – I love them X


    1. Aw thank you my love. I just need more people like you to read it! Its the worst isn’t it. However as soon as the baby arrives it takes a hike thank god! I can’t wait to find out whether the theory is true for you. Don’t worry I have plenty more. The birth story will be a highlight. I hope the trip to the doctors went ok x


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