The thought of handling shit, urine, sick and bogeys was something I associated with a hangover from hell, a dodgy curry or an old age pensioner. It was also something I never thought I would come into direct contact with on a daily basis. That’s when I knew id become a mother. This is what I’ve learned so far;
- Discovering, after a day of running errands, you’ve still got the remanence of shit on your fingers after the wet wipes didn’t quite get all of it, and having to do the sniff test to confirm it is in fact shit, before you think its dried in curry sauce and lick it off.
- Accepting that many good items of clothing now have a lovely mustard coloured stain on them and their only use now is for wearing around the house when you’re cleaning. I’m not sure what babies excrement is made up of but it baffles me that it just wont come out. If Vanish cant lift it, nothing can.
- Going to the shops after just feeding and changing your baby, without any provisions, for them to shit just as you get into the supermarket car park? Anyone with half a brain would buy some more nappies, not hope you can get round the shop in time, for that to be a complete fail in judgment and for your babies white outfit to turn a lovely shade of yellow in the crotch and back area.
- Nothing is sacred, you will soon learn that when your child wants to constantly be held, your ‘quiet’ time in the toilet is enjoyed by them too. They don’t call us multitaskers for nothing!
- You will think nothing of picking up your baby and having a good sniff of their bum or just have a little peak at the corner of the nappy for any slight yellowed areas.
- Don’t ever assume that your baby has finished doing their business and attempt to change their bum. Ernest almost always has a second wind and I am then subjected to his very own version of creating an unappetising Mr Whippy
- Lifting up your child’s bottom to wipe it clean to be enveloped in a gust of smelly wind will become normal, but you cant get annoyed because their bum is just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. However if your partner was to do it you would banish them from the room until they got it all out of their system
- Don’t be naive enough to think that you can get away with not using a changing mat indoors or out. I have made this mistake before and had to deal with a wee fountain or resting your kid on a toilet lid as they have no changing facilities . If they do happen to spray everywhere you will look for the closest thing to mop it up, usually the trousers they were wearing.
- Watching your babies little face turn a shade of purple whilst they attempt to squeeze one out, followed by a grunt will be the funniest thing that’s happened to you all day.
- My child has a penis. It was never explained to me that you must always keep it down when changing a nappy as wee can pour out the top, to the side or down the leg of his baby grow where it collects to form a lovely warm swimming pool in for his toes.
- Their little winky is like a ticking time bomb ready to spray over anything in a 3ft distance. Usually my lovely clean sheets, carpet or sofa. If I’m lucky he might wait until he gets in the bath.
- After having a baby with reflux you will get used to being puked on at least 10 times a day and their clothes will be permanently stained around the neck area from all the acid.
- Don’t vigiously throw your child in the air and laugh at the same time as you might, just might, get a mouthful of their stomach contents
- Muslin cloths will be a staple in your household and panic strikes if you forget to pack one for a day out. I will use at least 2 a day to mop up the sick from them and myself.
- Making sure that I don’t put my baby to bed on the rare occasion we go out to dinner as i can guarantee that he will vomit all down the front of it and my shoes.
- Never give your baby food for the first time, with reflux, after a bottle as they may projectile vomit all over themselves, out their nose and on the kitchen table
- Your child has got an extremely blocked nose and they are too little to clear it so your only option is to put your mouth over it and suck out the snot yourself (thankfully my husband had the balls for this task. I urged at the thought)
- Often realising that after kissing your sweet child that you may have inadvertently inhaled and swallowed one of their many bogeys
- Babies are little wriggle bums so if you think those teeny tiny little scissors you bought to cut their nails were going to do the trick, then think again. You will find that biting them off yourself and spitting it out is the only way. I never thought I’d see the day.
Currently I am still in the process of adding to this list on a regular basis as when a baby is involved no two days are ever the same. Although my baby can’t yet have a conversation with me I am already seeing the personality he is forming. It’s mad that when you do have a baby, you lose all airs and graces. You don’t care that you are picking noses, covered in shit and have a constant scent of sick not Chanel anymore as you will get great pleasure and accomplishment from it. You’ll give yourself a pep talk and try your hardest not to talk about your baby when you go out with friends but you just can’t help it. I reckon I could go 2 minutes without mentioning him and that’s even at a push. And yes I am now one of those people who gets my phone out to show them cute pictures of my baby too, just in case I haven’t talked about him enough.
A night out to me now is a bit of grub and maybe a quick drink after, but i’m cool with that. I’ve come to realise that no matter how much I try and fight it, ive become one of those people. I prefer the idea of staying indoors with my baby asleep upstairs and snuggling on the sofa rather than dancing the night away, fighting off drunken idiots who ‘accidently’ fall into you. Who wouldn’t?
I am proud to call myself a mumsy mum. But maybe just a slightly updated version.
Do you have any insights that you discovered when becoming a mum? If you knew what you know now? Or would you proudly wear the badge of a mumsy mum?
I’d love to know.