‘So when are you having a baby then?’
It’s amazing how such a simple question can evoke a number of different emotions. This question is regularly thrown around so flippantly, and i myself have been guilty of it in the past. But i’ve come to realise as i’ve grown up and seen people struggling to fall pregnant (including myself), that its actually a really very personal question.
I have always been open and honest about almost all aspects of my life and that’s who i choose to be. I’m not embarrassed to talk about my daily struggles, my child’s nappy escapades or that i ate 6 packets of Walkers, a large McDonalds meal and a fresh cream sponge in one sitting either. I’m pretty transparent but that’s not to say that everyone has that same viewpoint.
When i was pregnant with Ernest i remember asking an old friend id bumped into, if she was thinking of having children. She had recently got married and its almost as if its ingrained in our make up to ask these things. She shrugged it off and to be honest i didn’t think about it at the time, but someone later pointed out that she couldn’t have children. I was mortified. I couldn’t believe that id asked. The fact that i could have upset her in any way really bothered me. It didn’t even cross my mind that by asking, it would cause offence. She obviously wasn’t comfortable in sharing that information and there are many others out there who for whatever reason are the same.
Why should you share such a personal part of your life? We just naturally assume that we all follow the same pattern where we buy a house, get married and have children. But what we don’t always see is the other meanings to that question. Someone may be working through a recent miscarriage, a failed round of IVF, a genetic disorder that stops them from even getting pregnant, or that simply not everyone wants to have a baby.
There are many women who choose not to take that path in their life and that’s absolutely fine. We shouldn’t need to justify ourselves because certain narrow minded people may not agree. But whatever the reason may be, its really none of our business. Not everyone wants to shout about their innermost feelings.
I’ve become very conscious not to pry upon peoples relationships now as i realise just how detrimental that slip of the tongue can be.
But i find myself now being asked a similar ‘second baby’ question. Ernest is getting at that age where hes no longer a floppy little baby, but a fully fledged boy. I wanted a baby for so long and i honestly thought the day would never come. It was years in the making and it was also something that actually i tended not to shout about. People start to feel sorry for you then and make more of it than you would. It’s not pity you want. It’s a baby.
You become the topic of others conversation without giving any permission or inkling that you’re happy for them to do so.
I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant. I had hoped it would happen for me just like that but between trying to convince my husband it was a good idea and actually getting sperm to egg, it wasn’t happening.
In all honesty if i really think about it, i have an idea of when i want another baby, but we aren’t made from a cookie cutter and saying when Ernest is three, doesn’t mean i’m going to get pregnant at the stroke of midnight.
What prompted me to write this blog post in the first place was my husband and his baffling mind. Sometimes i really think i know him and then he turns around out of the blue and says that we can have one more baby, but no more. I didn’t know where to look? Where on earth did that come from? Now my husband isn’t one to show any emotion or forward thinking when it comes to things like babies. If you’ve read my very first post you will know i had to beg and plead for him to even consider having a baby.
A tumble weed drifted through the room as i looked across in utter shock. This is all id ever dreamed of! All id wanted the first time around and after he told me in no uncertain terms we were never having any children after our birthing ordeal, i thought i would need to do alot of begging and pleading again in the future.
They say that you forget all about the pain, the trauma and the idea of having another baby eventually crops up but i really didn’t think this soon or ever. It threw me! How do you respond to that! I acted all cool and that, you know like you do. Yea yea, maybe try next year or something!?
Oh really? Well it took a while last time!?
I’m sorry who are you? What have you done with my husband? You what? So as soon as i get into the swing of this mothering lark and try to come to terms with having to leave Ernest to go back to work, im faced with that!
So here we are.
Before when people would ask me if we would have any more i would say maybe in a few years, just because i didn’t really know, but because i needed to give an answer.
Last year i was so hell bent on getting pregnant that nothing or no one would change that. I guess i should be flattered in a way that my husband thinks i’ve done such a good job, that he thinks another baby is a good idea. Although i’m not so sure i feel the same way right now. I love the idea of being pregnant again and the idea that maybe this time Timmy wont totally freak out.
Pregnancy was hard for me the first time around, not because i struggled with sickness or the usual pregnancy woes, but because i didn’t feel like he really wanted it as much. I know now it was all just worry but with all the emotions running through your body the last thing you want is to think you’ve made a huge mistake.
I absolutely love Ernest with ever fibre of my being and so does Timmy. When i see them together it just fills me with so much love that i honestly want to burst into tears. However Timmy is a part time parent and only has the edited version of what its like. I have so many questions about whether having a baby sooner rather than later is a good idea? If it will take time to happen? Will it be too much for me?
I am the one who will be left holding the babies for the majority. But the thought of giving Ernest a sibling and having another little part of me roaming this land seems so appealing.
Whilst i toy with the idea in my head of whether just leaving it to fate is a good idea, Timmy did tell me i had to convince him to put it inside me first! Oh and he’s totally joking by the way. These days chance would be a fine thing. I’m way too tired for all that. Id much prefer a Horlicks.
So before you ask ‘the question’ bare in mind what lies behind it. Just because we aren’t screaming it from the rooftops, doesn’t mean we aren’t dealing with our own crap. As for when the next little pitter patter of feet comes, we’ll just have to wait and see. I still haven’t figured that one out just yet.
I would absolutely love to hear what you think about it? Are you in the same boat? Do you have an advise?