I feel as though i’m a little lost as of late. There are so many things i’d hoped i’d achieved by the time i returned to work, but time just runs away with you. Before you know it those days filled with laughter and poop are replaced with artificial lighting and a keyboard and screen.
I knew that i would be apprehensive going back to work after having so much time off, but i didn’t realise how much things would change. Although i was met with new faces and a completely different computer mechanism, i was, on the face of it, trying to be as positive as i could be.
I’m now almost a month in and i can’t quite believe it. Its amazing how quickly you just slip back into that professional role again but this time i’m now constantly checking my phone for updates on Ernest’s day and my mind is not fully on the task at hand. I get anxious as Ernest is in such a good routine with me, that i wonder if he’s doing the same with his minders.
He’s usually like clockwork. Everyday is the same with him. I know when he wants food and when hes tired. I’m pretty sure whoever is watching him is perfectly capable of doing a grand job but i guess the control freak in me comes out a little bit in this situation. I’m also conscious that i’m going to miss an incredible milestone of his but i’ve just got to hope that if he does crawl or walk they won’t tell me.
In work i like to be one of those people who needs very little assistance. I’m definitely a people person and i loved being a fountain of knowledge and making sure everything was done or in hand by the end of the working day. Now i feel a bit more like a spare prick. Everything has changed.
My confidence has gone and what i knew before is almost none existent. All the processes i knew like the back of my hand are no longer required. I now have a million passwords and logins that i need to remember and i feel as though i’m asking question after question. This doesn’t sit well with me.
My mind has been so off the game that this kind of environment is totally lost on me. I know that in time all of this will be a distant memory and i will have all the new processes down but being a part timer now means its going to take twice as long.
I just suddenly feel deflated. It’s funny because when i had more time on my hands i was so full of energy and promise of a better way of life. I loved nothing more than to be outdoors whiling the days away at the beach and taking long walks with my boys. I am still very much in love with this ideology but after a long day at work all i want to do is vegetate. My house is slowly becoming more and more like a bomb site and i can’t remember the last time i put a wash on. I’m currently living off the mountains of clean washing that is still piled up on my bedroom floor or kitchen worktop.
I look around at the hundreds of things that i need to do and i know at the moment i’m just winging it by the skin of my teeth. The days that i do work are now days that are very rushed. I love being with Ernest in the morning and having a long cuddle with him in my bed after hes woken as its the best part of my day. I feel so close to him when hes nuzzled into me moaning and groaning as he tries to drift off to sleep again.
As he’s getting older he’s wanting less and less of the cuddles, so any opportunity is greatly received. I can’t really take advantage of this when i’m struggling to make sure Ernest is fed, clothed, i’m showered and that all the things he needs for his day are ready and packed.
Its always the days where you have to be somewhere that they are extra cute and loving. I don’t want to stray too much from the days when i do have time for him but i have no choice but to weaken my attention at times. I don’t think he’s particularly that bothered or even notices that there’s a change but i’m conscious of keeping things as normal as possible.
Before i had Ernest i would think nothing of staying late in work to finish off anything or to help my colleagues out but now i have someone else to think about. I have to make sure i’m finished on time and out the door. I know it wouldn’t matter too much if i was a little late because i’m lucky enough to have family watch him, but i don’t want to stay late, i want to drive as fast as i can to see that little face.
He’s always so happy to see me and kicks his legs like mad. He goes to touch my face with a huge grin and that’s the moment i love. The moment he knows that i’m his mummy. These are the moments that make it all worth while. If i could bottle up those moments and keep them forever i would.
For now i will just have to settle for real time because i know that as soon as we get home its a rush to get him fed, bathed and bedded without really spending any proper time together. Between the hours of 5-7 i get the worst of him. I get the tired boy. The hungry boy. The teary boy. I don’t get the bonny boy. The giggling boy. The loving boy. And that’s something i’m having to adjust to.
Timmy is away for almost a month at a time and that also adds to the stress of making sure everything is in control. I am used to doing things on my own but it’s nice to have that extra support and reassurance you’re doing ok.
Blog writing and my grand plan of starting up my own little venture is slowly tailing off and i need to be able to feel like this is still something i want and can achieve. I need to just get my shit together and snap out of it. I’m the only one who can change this. I’m getting too comfortable eating rubbish, drinking way too many cans of diet coke and slobbing in front of the television.
I put so much pressure on myself now to make sure that my days off are crammed with fun filled outings for my little gingerbread man. If we don’t end up doing anything or the weathers not on our side i then get such a pang of guilt. These are the things that i’ll need to work on.
I guess getting the balance right will take time. I like to think that it will get easier, my current rushed routine will start to slow and I’ll have more of an idea of my timings. Soon enough ill be doing it with my eyes closed. I know that you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it and i just need to get that bit straight in order to succeed at this working mum stuff.
I have to say through all the whinging and moaning i am enjoying being part of something again and meeting new people, and of course having the extra income. I don’t want to start reverting back to that lazy person. The girl who spent her days with the curtains closed on a sunny day and 90% of her free time watching too many box sets cannot win.
Do you have any advise on getting the work/life balance right? Or have you had similar worries? Are you anxious to return to work after maternity? I just need to know that i’m not alone so i would love a little feedback.