If you’d ask anyone about my emotional state before i became a mother they would describe it as very apethetic. To say i was pretty emotion….less is an understatement and i had little sympathy for anyone. I just couldn’t seem to muster up any offer of comfort or support. My safe place would be to try and make someone laugh and even then it could get a tad awkward. As a child, although my mother loved me, she never really showed it with a good ol cuddle, we’d be lucky if we got a nuggy. I guess this has shaped the way i am as an adult. For years i wasn’t comfortable with tactile people. I just didn’t trust them.
And don’t even get me started with the double kiss. The French Exchange for me was the most traumatic days of my life. I didn’t know whether i was coming or going. Do i go left? Do i go right? I get a sweat on just thinking about it. I would get so irritated with myself for overthinking such trivial things but i genuinely got actual palpitations.
The thought of someone going in for a loving embrace would send shivers down my spine. I just couldn’t hug anyone unless i was really comfortable. Me and my mum often laugh when its a birthday or Christmas as any normal person would say thank you with a kiss or hug. We just look at each other, cringe and then laugh off the uncomfortable feeling in the air.
Once upon a time i could have been described as having a heart of stone and i would’ve happily agreed with that. For some reason i found it so hard to get across any emotion i was feeling. I would just roll my eyes at my friends for crying at the most ridiculous things.
When i was pregnant, there was no hope of me shedding a tear even with all those hormones running through me. Now rage, i had that in abundance! I was like something possessed. If i had strong opinions on something i didn’t hold back. But producing one tear was like trying to get blood out of a stone.
Then i had a baby.
This once ice queen has well and truly melted. I honestly didn’t think that motherhood would effect me in the way it has. The true love and devotion i have for this little person has filled my heart so full that it spills out through my eyes regularly. Like now for instance, I’m currently typing this with tears running down my face! I never thought this baby making lark would be such a total game changer. Its as if a switch has flipped and the tears flow through me like a waterfall. I’m now the one who’s being laughed at!
I’ve become so susceptible to everyone and everything that is remotely emotive and my perspective on life has done a total 360. As cheesy as it sounds I feel alive. I feel like being a mother has been the making of me.
Suddenly if I see anything on television or hear about anything that involves children I could insert myself into that situation and feel a rush of sadness and fear all at the same time. I really had no idea how all-encompassing it would be. How everyday would be filled with incredible highs and incredible lows.
I get protective over this little parental community I’ve found myself in and I no longer look on with judgement, but I feel all the emotions i once mocked.
And i’m now even partial to a big hug.
I’m not sure if it was embarrassment or that i wasn’t truely in touch myself? I do tend to worry too much about others opinions which is ironic really as I’m the first one to voice mine.
Ernest has shown me that it’s OK to cry. It’s OK to show your softer side. I feel better for it. My life feels so much more enriched and i never want him to feel like he can’t come to me if he’s sad. I want him to know that I would do anything for him. I want to be his mother, his friend, his protector.
I don’t care what people think when I coo over my son and if anything, people tell me how different I am. This once serious person ( I still am a little ) will goo goo ga ga with the best of them now.
Although I may be more squishy inside I am much stronger for it. My mums got a birthday coming up. Who knows I might give her a nuggy if she’s lucky.