‘Me time’ was really not an issue before motherhood kicked in. I had so much of it that my life was one leisurely stroll. There was absolutely no sense of urgency whatsoever and my walking pace was slow and steady rather than constantly chasing my ass.
Shitting, showering and eating now seem like a thing of the past. Everything has become a balancing act, literally. In order to have said shit I have to try and do it with a wriggly child semi sat on my lap, semi kamakasied in the full bin that I haven’t got round to emptying. Whilst my really annoying cat is moaning and groaning to be fed, having already spent the past two hours chewing wires, jumping on the headboard and finding the only creeking floorboard in the house to get me to succumb to her attempts.
I realise that with becoming a mother, I would need to sacrifice even the simplest things. The luxury of parking up and popping in the local cornershop or getting a takeaway, are things I took for granted.
I love the fact I get to spend four days with my beautiful baby boy but I also know that outside of working the other three days I have no real time for me. I don’t always have that partner to lean on when you just need to take a moment for yourself. When the going gets tough and i’ve had enough of chasing my baby around the room because he refuses to stay put whilst i try to change his clothes, gets so exhausting. My baby is not much of a day sleeper so by the time I’ve loaded the washing machine and started filling the sink with water, he’s up and raring to go. I just don’t seem to have the time to do anything.
Looking at nursery’s was never a thought that entered my mind. Even when Ernest was still in my tummy I had arranged childcare for him. I wanted to try and minimise the use of it, mainly for financial reasons, but I also knew I would be more comfortable with people that he knows.
Recently as I looked around at my tip of a house, my lack of motivation and the fact that anything I feel passionately about was being neglected, I knew that something had to give. I bit the bullet and took Ernest to a nursery I am familiar with and anytime I’ve been there it feels so welcoming. The kids always look so happy and that’s such a great comfort when you’re a little apprehensive.
So yesterday we had our first little taster day with a view to start him next Friday afternoon. I needn’t have worried as no sooner had I taken him into the room filled with toys and playing songs from Disney, he reached out to one of the lovely ladies and he was off. I actually felt ok leaving him for that hour and the prospect of solo shopping and giving my car a much needed clean out was extremely appealing.
The sun was shining, which always makes any situation seem better, but I just felt this wave of happiness come over me. I turned the music up loud in the car and I smiled like a Cheshire cat all the way to Lidl. The only downside to this trip was I couldn’t use the parent and child parking but just having those 60 minutes of me time lifted my mood.
Don’t get me wrong I love spending time with that wonderful little human I produced more than anything in this world, but sometimes we all need a little time for ourselves in order to be at our best. I am getting to the point where I’m staying up ridiculously late just so I can have some time for myself. However in essence I just sit and watch tv, stuffing my face, then barely surviving on a few hours sleep, without doing anything productive at all.
The thought of having a few hours to be me, to draw, to write, to finish off those odd jobs in my house, fills me with joy. I never thought that I would crave this so much but now I know its going to be a reality i’m excited to finally do something as me, for me. I have to find a way to retain my identity and maybe this might give me the kick up the butt that I need to get a little order in my life.
I’ve already started to make some positive steps towards this by making a list of all the things I want to achieve. Listen to me, anyone would think i’m trying to solve world peace in the 3 and a half hours I’ve been granted, but I just want a bit of order instead of shoving things in cupboards.
I know Ernest is going to thrive at nursery and I feel that we will both benefit from doing things outside of our comfort zone. Who knows, me and Timmy might even be able to go on a lunch date where we don’t have to consider the logistics of a pram beforehand. But knowing me I’ll probably end up sitting on my bed looking at old videos of Ernest instead.
Either way I already feel like a new women. I feel like I can take on the world or at least have an uninterrupted date with Armitage Shanks. Here’s to having a shit in peace, lets just hope my bowels don’t let me down!