When I Grow Up

Do you ever feel like your life has no real purpose? I’ve always struggled to figure out what my true calling is. I remember when I was in school I had grand ideas of doing travel and tourist at college after shamelessly watching far too many episodes of ‘Ibiza Uncovered’ thinking that was the life to have. Sadly that was pretty much as far as my aspirations stretched back then.

Unfortunately those dreams were shattered very quickly when my grades didn’t quite live up to my full potential. To be honest I had no interest in school really. I refused to wear proper school uniform and insisted on wearing this hideous Chilli Pepper gilet as I thought it would somehow make me fit in better. However for the most part I was bullied for either being acne ridden or not one of the cool kids. People can be very cruel with their words, especially at such an impressionable age.

I think the reasoning for a lot of choices in my life or the way I act are right off the back of those unkind moments. The moments that firmly cement themselves in your brain. No matter how hard you try to shake them, you could quite easily repeat those words verbatim all these years later. They don’t realise at the time, the effect it can have on a person.

When it came to my ranking in school I would say I was one of the quieter ones amongst all the bold characters. I prided myself on being a nice person as no one could ever take that away from me. I think as ive aged i have developed a more feistier take no shit side, which has become my defence barrier I guess. Dont get me wrong i have my bitchy moments and I hate that I can be ‘that person’ but then I try to think back to that girl, the girl who got called pizza face or would get abused on the way home from school for no apparent reason. The girl who had thought she’d made some friends but it turns out all they did was alienate her and mock her for fun.

I never wanted to be popular but I always wanted to be liked. I still crave that now. I know in life you will meet people that just dont get you and im learning that ill never be everyones cup of tea and vice versa. I longed for a prosperous career and one of those school reunion moments where you are a great success so I could stick it to all of the people who were ever horrible to me. Yet here we are 16 years down the line and I’m doing a job that I never pictured myself doing.

I’m still waiting for that perfect light bulb moment to just happen. My mind is often awash with ideas but then I get that awful pang of doubt. Am I good enough? Can i do this? Then my interest would starts to wane.

I wish I could just be one of those people who woke up one day and knew what they wanted to do. As a little I never had big career plans apart from the obvious cliché choices of vet, artist and singer or if there was ever a job of professional thumb sucking TV watcher I was your girl.

Now im a mother i feel like i should set an example for myself and for my child. I want to have something to be proud of, something my child will be proud of. I want to be able to wake up every day knowing I’m doing something that makes me happy. I dont think we should just settle but that’s easier said than done. All of my thoughts and ideas paired with reality seem to make for an unobtainable mix.

My life is totally enriched with so many positive things and I’m truly grateful for the roof over my head and the little family I have built. However I’m still always left wanting more because I know there will be a time when my little becomes their own fully fledged adult. He will be required to circum navigate himself around his own future choices. I know when this time comes, I won’t be needed as much. It will only be for the usual mum duties of ferrying around or attempted buttering up and I guess that will have to do.

I suppose my recent haste to find a small corner for me in this big world is because I feel like I’m not getting any younger and change is as good as a rest as they say. I assumed that when I was on maternity leave all these ideas to do something for myself would become a reality with all the extra time I’d gain. Little did i know that just because you aren’t working doesn’t mean you have an abundance of time. Time is definitely precious and something we shouldn’t take for granted. I thought I could do something i loved from home, but id be doing it all for me and still be close to my baby. Yet those plans didn’t quite pan out and I had no choice but to return to work.

Now seven months in and i’m no closer to that dream. I just feel a little lost. I now have the added task of controlling a manic toddler and having an absent husband so most of my free time is usually spent clearing up or in an exhausted pile somewhere. I wish I was one of those people with all the energy who can multitask their way through life yet still look perfectly coiffed, but then I remembered they don’t exist. I do try my damned hardest though.

I often wonder why we put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best we can be and achieve everything that we want to achieve. I know that when my boy looks at me, he sees his mum, he doesn’t worry about all the other stuff. He always greets me with a huge smile and open arms and there really is no greater feeling. There is no pressure to be anything other than his mum and he’s happy with the me right now, not the me I strive to achieve.

When i think about it I might not have everything I set out to have all those years ago, but I also never imagined myself being a mother either. I know my time will come and I truly believe it will. But if it doesn’t, I know that I have at least one great achievement in my life and that’s enough purpose for me.